I followed up with the diabetes team who agreed that i needed to lose weight (no number at this point of the story) to try and help control my blood sugar levels. I explained why I was a bit frustrated with the way I had been treated etc, etc... this doctor then looks at the file notes and obviously I read them. My hatred for Dr. Mastin increased/flared up again. With a much clearer mind I read the things he wrote regarding the crying, the not being able to comprehend the seriousness of the second Pancreas transplan. I didn't cry after reading it, I just sighed and realized in my own mind that I don't think I will ever get another Pancreas. No one said it, I just feel it. So at that moment I decided I need to just keep my head down, mouth shut, and listen to what I am supposed to do... moving forward, I am getting an insulin pump "T:slim" http://www.tandemdiabetes.com/Products/t-slim-Insulin-Pump/ if you care to see what this thing will look like. Rumor has it this pump is legit and with insurance, I will pay for the insulin that is changed out every few days. It'll just be another prescription. Another one... #12 for the month. Sigh.
I also followed up with Bariatrics. Good god, if anyone has a low self esteem about their weight do not go to this place. I learned that i am obese and not anywhere near a weight i should be. I told the doctor that i just needed to be taller, a lot taller. Ultimately, I was instructed to lose 45 lbs, look like Karen Carpenter, and have 1200 calories a day. Seriously. Well, I added the Karen Carpenter part, but the rest is true. Painfully true. They suggested 2 protein shakes a day, 30g of Protein each meal, and minimal carbs throughout the day. All I kept thinking to myself during the appointment was how the hell can someone lose that much weight? What will I eat? I never thought of myself as a horrible eater, but carbohydrates are the diabetic devil. If you have carbs, you take insulin. Insulin adds pounds. Less carb intake, less insulin... so on, so on, so forth.
By the end of two appointments my mind was racing. For my close friends and family, you know what that means... I am talking fast, I can't focus on one thing, I am trying to plan in my head how I am going to make everything work, and it goes on and on and on. I have decided I need to focus just on my weight and my diabetes. Comments such as if you can control your diabetes, lose weight, and make a healthier lifestyle, you might not need the other transplant. *picking up signal* Other doctors talked about losing weight and regaining stability with diabetes, my Kidney will be able to stay healthy for a long time and shouldn't see any major rejection issues *another signal* I overeact to everything and am always on the defense, so of course I THINK the second Pancreas transplant won't happen... but no one has officially given me the word. Maybe I need to have NO in my mind, kick down each hurdle, and maybe be surprised if and when they approve me.
Today is Thanksgiving. I can think of all the things I am not thankful for, but today I am going to pretend life isn't a hot mess and I am waiting for the "call". I am thankful that I can call my sister and she tells me "it isn't a big deal, we can do that" when we both know it'll be a long journey. I am thankful for my mom. I am thankful she is still able to laugh and make the same jokes that I love and hate. Thankful that when raking her leaves, she was outside telling us what to do and how to do it... although we still did it our way. I am thankful for the friends I have had for years and for the friends I continue to make. I am thankful for my friend's and their growing families. For the NYC Rockettes and for season tickets to the Orpheum. I am thankful for Kayla's laugh and for the man Brandon is becoming. His sense of humor is so amazing and when he goes to Texas next year, I will be thankful for him taking chances. I am thankful for my brothers who teach me a variety of things. I am thankful for pigs - pigs make insulin... insulin saves lives. I am thankful for Turkey Trot 2014 and that 2 women I have known for a few years had a fundraiser to help out with expenses. I am thankful that I have not given up and hope to not give up. I keep thinking of a time in DC when I was literally swimming upstream and wanted to stop. I wanted to quit and toss up the white flag - I am thankful that i didn't. I am thankful for the support of people who don't know they support me. I am so thankful for Kim and her amazingly strong Kidney. I am thankful for a full tank of gas. Thankful I am able to juggle my numerous jobs and still get up daily. Thankful to have health, rental, and car insurance. I am so very thankful for those who know how cranky and depressed I get, but still call, text, and communicate.
Life isn't going to be easy, I know I will want to give up, but that isn't an option. All I want is an opportunity to lose the 45lbs, go to NYC and shop. I pray and thank God that I have been able to see happiness and heartache in such a short amount of time. Over the last 4.5 years I have been provided with the best and worst moments. I have laughed, traveled, traveled, met goals, traveled, set goals, and learned that determination and dedication are a blessing and a curse.
I hope each of you have a Happy Thanksgiving and a great shopping weekend. Let's all think of what we have and how lucky we are... here is a story on how many lives can be saved from one donor. This family makes me happy as I know how this reciepient feels. Mark your license. Talk to your family. Organ donation has kept me alive and I am living proof that it does work!!
http://www.today.com/health/grieving-family-hears-sons-heart-beat-anothers-chest-1D80319971
I always try to read positive statements and motivate myself. I hope everyone knows how hard I am trying to make sure this story has a happy ending. I hope I am approved for another pancreas transplant. I hope I am able to meet all of the doctors demands. Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas!!
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