For the last few years I have looked at February 16th as a day of change. It changed me in 2011 and I know I won't ever forget how it changed me. I have shared the story of my phone call, and how I went to work, and how Bailee and I watched Glee - so on and so forth. It wasn't until about 5 minutes ago when I was online ordering medication that I really stopped to think how this year, February 16th won't be the same as it has been.
In 2004 my grandfather died on this day, and a dear friend had her first child. To be honest, I looked up this day in history and the only thing that was seen more than one time was that in 1968 the first 911 call was made... by brother is as old as 911 and my mom is older than La Vista, Ne. Ok, back to what I will get to in 500 words or more....
For the first time in my transplant adventure, I have no emotion during an anniversary. I know that the 15th was the day my donor passed away and a prayer was said in their honor. But I have no other emotion other than I have a busy day in a few hours and all I can think of is my lack of emotion for what I went through on this day in my history. Am I mad at my donor? I don't know. I mean in August I thought by this time I would have had another transplant and this "hot mess" would be over. In October I learned there were so many more rules to end my "hot mess" and now I don't know if there are many emotions left regarding my second transplant and first rejection. Well, this was NOT my first rejection, just my first rejected organ. If you want to see my real list of rejection in love and in life, you can just ask and I will start at the very beginning and not skip a beat!!
I know I have emotion knowing that at 1am, four years ago I was getting a tube shoved down my throat so I could consume "go lytly" before the 6am surgery. I know the room I checked in was the same room I stayed in a few weeks ago when I was treated for an abscess on this said dead Pancreas. I know that I lived a few good years as not being Diabetic, but recently I have once again realized how much this disease controls and ruins a life. Lows and highs get in the way of conversations and concentration. I struggled to keep my cool at work because my emotions were too high. I hate that I needed to ask for help because I wasn't feeling well and needed to go home - which ultimately got me checked in at UNMC for the earlier commented on Abscess, but still, it showed Diabetes took over and it made me weak.
For the first time in many years I am not going to look at today as a day to be sad or glad or confused as to why I was so blessed to have freedom for a few years and ultimately cursed to have it return when I was starting to think I was going to be 'ok' and life was going to get more simple.
Since November and since i was asked to do all of the listed demands from transplant, I haven't contacted them. I wondered if they would realize I was still around. It's the same concept as when Dr. Maskan told me "you will not be approved for a transplant due to your weight"... do they wait for me to call and beg? Or do i think like Dr. Myles and say "you aren't the only patient we have... call your GP". Since November I have thought that I have been blacklisted from transplant. I thought of the Seinfeld episode when Elaine Benis wanted to see her medical file to see what they all said about her, i want the same. Did i burn such a hole in my treatment, do i start looking elsewhere? Do i trust Nebraska Medicine if they don't think i am mentally stable enough to get another organ transplanted in my body? Do I trust any of the medical doctors if a student comes into my hospital room and explain that my current, transplanted/rejected Pancreas is so small they would have no problem transplanting another one in my midsection...
When in the hospital Dr. Maskan from University of Nebraska medicine came to see me, not one time was anything mentioned about my transplant goals. Today pisses me off. I am trying to save myself and my mind by getting another surgery that not one medical professional appears to think i should have. My life starts to get dizzy!!
To finish strong - I have to keep moving... i can't see the finish line, but I am closer today than i was yesterday.
A very big thanks for everyone who called or texted a few weeks ago when i was sick. It's all good and I am already back to whatever normal for me might be!!!
M
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